Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
