Little spoons don't ask big questions
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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