On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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