smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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