i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
