She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
