My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
