I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
