We won't sleep together?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
