I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
