well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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