Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
