this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
