I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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