Soap is not a condiment
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
