i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Who died my cat blue again?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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