i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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