First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can't turn off my feet"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
