I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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