I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
