Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
