my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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