the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
