How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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