I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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