Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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