new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
