Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she told me i tasted like america
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
