Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
