He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
