I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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