i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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