I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
