Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
