my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
