you would pick up someone in the library
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
