if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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