I'm gonna have a badass scar
I faked an abortion last night.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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