You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
