i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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