Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Success! We fucked roommates!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
