Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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