i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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