im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
