well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she told me i tasted like america
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
