I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
