can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
