i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
