i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I wish there were birth control emojis
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
