id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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